MR HOBBS - YOU'RE RUINING MY MARRIAGE!
BELOW IS A POST I LEFT ON THE RUSSELL HOBBS AUSTRALIA & NEW ZEALAND FACEBOOK PAGE AFTER A DISASTROUS PURCHASE OF A NEW TOASTER.
Dear Mr Hobbs
I’ve got to say I’m shocked - and not by one of your electrical products- because you see you're wrecking my marriage.
I know. I can’t believe it either.
Considering the number of wedding registries I’ve seen your name on, I always thought you were all about love, unity and the happy ever after.
But I’ve got to say you’ve burnt a hole in the fabric of my relationship with my hubby. It’s so smouldering I think it's going to ignite like a cheap polyester nightie.
You see it all started when my kettle - don’t worry it’s from a competitor brand - officially carked it.
It was a sad moment to see a beloved appliance depart for the kitchens of the sky.
After its respectful burial - a quick drop in the bin - I got straight in the car to embark to the department store for its replacement. It was time to move on.
Now I was going to buy one of your vintage kettles – oh so lovely, so retro, so hip. But you see when I got to the Department store I changed my mind.
I thought I'ld go for a double act. I chose this sleek duo (pictured in the banner). Because matching appliances seemed to be the thing my kitchen was screaming out for.
At $100 for the pair I figured it to be quite the investment.
Now first let me tell you about the old toaster.
It'd been around for about a long as the kettle, but it was still in tip top operational order. It was a particular favourite of my hubby's as it delivered him his daily breakfast toasted to perfection.
Now this toaster was a true eye sore (yet again not yours!).
It was smeared and smoked and it was permanently housed in a silver tray to capture the wayward bread crumbs. Even my notoriously tight wad father declared it time to upgrade.
But my husband only saw its beauty. Dare I say, he may have even loved it.
So replacing it was a big FUCKING deal.
But I thought with your romantic ways Mr Hobbs – that you would be up for the job in making him fall in love with the new appliance. Just like cupid.
It started out well – the new purchase was met with a raised brow (in husband speak loosely translated to WTF?!) but he was receptive to a change – because frankly our new appliance family looked so sleek, stylish and hot.
So we bid farewell to the old toaster as it joined the kettle in the kitchens above.
But unfortunately, it turns out the toaster is just too darn HOT!
You see that sleek metal design – gets hot when you're cooking toast.
Scolding your fingers hot!
So hot, I came out to find my husband attempting to maneuver the toast out with a knife – which let’s face it - isn’t one of the most recommended methods of toast extraction around. All to avoid burning his fingers.
You see those pinkies are important to the livelihood of this family and the sanctity of this marriage.
Those little digits need to fly across his laptop keyboard, take calls at the flick of a button and drink coffees with clients so he can bring home the dosh to buy the food that feeds our two young boys and keeps our kitchen in matching appliances.
But you can’t do that with burnt fingers Russell!
In fact, there are a number of – ahem –husbandly duties (duties that really keep the fabric of this marriage wound so beautifully) that could end up neglected if he has burnt pinkies! And I am not going to stand for that now am I?
Now don’t get me wrong – this is not a complete downer on your products – your kettle is working fabulously. There is no greater sound in the morning when the I hear the ‘CLICK’ indicating the waters ready for my hot water and lemon (Its good for you!). But now I wish I got the vintage kettle as a lone appliance.
Because I am getting the stink eye for discarding what had really been a loyal and hardworking toaster – for this hot headed version.
The old one has already been picked up by the garbos (every Tuesday morning without failure!) so no hope of retrieving and he ain’t happy one bit.
So what’s a girl to do Russ?
I have this matching pair of appliances that in looks work so splendidly together but now one is causing disharmony in the marriage.
- Do I replace the toaster with something that doesn’t match with the kettle? (Oh the horror!)
- Do I return the pair to go a different brand? (Oh how I really want to love you).
- Do I have to invest more money in you to get the cool touch version? (Oh I can only imagine the raised eyebrow for that!)
I need you Russell Hobbs. My marriage needs you. What can you do?
Yours in need,